{"id":770,"date":"2018-10-27T21:35:53","date_gmt":"2018-10-27T21:35:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/?p=770"},"modified":"2018-10-27T21:35:53","modified_gmt":"2018-10-27T21:35:53","slug":"metoo-v-notallmen-the-case-of-judge-kavanaugh","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/?p=770","title":{"rendered":"#MeToo v. #NotAllMen & the Case of Judge Kavanaugh"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Now that all the shouting is over, can we take a pause and take a collective breath?<\/p>\n

Can we reflect on what just happened and talk about it?<\/p>\n

I think Dr. Christine Blassey Ford told more of the truth than Judge Brent Kavanaugh.<\/p>\n

I also hope none of us is the same person s\/he was at age 17 \u2026 or 18 \u2026 or 20; we should be growing and maturing beyond the stage when immaturity tends to be at its zenith.<\/p>\n

I also find that absolutes in rhetoric are getting all of us nowhere.\u00a0 We need to drop the \u201call right\u201d or \u201call wrong\u201d mutually exclusive either\/or arguments and consider elements of scale and context.<\/p>\n

Dr. Ford\u2019s description of what happened was completely credible in terms of what she remembered and what she did not.\u00a0 Her professional knowledge of how trauma and memory work added further insight; however, the testimony itself illustrated the theoretical concepts well enough.\u00a0 \"\"<\/a>Of course she remembers the events much more clearly that Judge Kavanaugh does.\u00a0 It was traumatic for her; she feared, not only for her safety, but for her life at times.\u00a0 For him, it was quite likely just another alcohol-fueled party; it all fades into one big blur he\u2019d (probably) like to forget as much as he can.<\/p>\n

Of course Dr. Ford didn\u2019t tell anyone.\u00a0 How could she?\u00a0 She\u2019d only be bringing trouble on herself.\u00a0 She\u2019d lost all her \u201cgood girl\u201d protection in this situation; she wouldn\u2019t be able to claim attempted rape \u2026 or even rape, if that had happened.\u00a0 Only good girls could be raped; if you weren\u2019t a \u201cgood girl,\u201d then you were probably asking for it in some way \u2026 to some degree \u2026 and maybe (if you were bad enough), you even deserved it.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s how the thinking went, at any rate, at that time.\u00a0 Rape was committed by someone the woman did not know, who assaulted her in some random chance encounter in which she was doing nothing to indicate sexual interest or to put herself at any risk.\u00a0 To be a victim, she had to have been a \u201cgood girl\u201d before the rape happened. \u00a0A good girl did not wear anything that could be sexually suggestive.\u00a0 As a teenager, a good girl did not attend parties where adult supervision was completely absent.\u00a0 She did not drink alcohol if she were under age.\u00a0 If she was of age, she would not have more than one alcoholic drink at the event.\u00a0 She did not stay at parties or events where over-consumption of alcohol was happening or being encouraged to happen.\u00a0 If she could not get herself out of a risky situation, she always had a quarter for a pay-phone so she could call for a ride.<\/p>\n

As Dr. Ford described events at the party, it was clear she had failed every requirement for being a good girl in that situation.\u00a0 She was wearing a swimsuit \u2013 which by its very nature is sexually suggestive, whether two-piece, one piece, or even a racer style for competitions.\u00a0 A good girl does not wear sexually suggestive clothing.\u00a0 She was at a party where there was no adult supervision and alcohol was being consumed.\u00a0 A good girl would exit such a scene immediately.\u00a0 Not only did she stay, she had a beer.\u00a0 A good girl would not drink a beer at age 15 \u2026 at least not in a situation like that, where no family members and no adult supervision were present.<\/p>\n

If she told anyone \u2013 her parents, the adults at the house, the police, anyone \u2013 what happened, she would have heard: \u201cWhat did you think would happen?\u00a0 Why did you stay?\u00a0 It was a house, wasn\u2019t it? Were the phones not working?\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t you call for a ride home immediately?\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t you get over to the country club and use the pay phone there, where it was safe?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t you have your quarter?\u00a0 You\u2019re so lucky that\u2019s all that happened; you could have really been hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

All of this may sound strange to modern ears \u2013 not just the bits about pay-phones and the quarters that were necessary to place a call from them.\u00a0 All of us women of a certain age were routinely warned about parties like the one 15-year old Christine Blassey attended.\u00a0 We were told \u201cbad things\u201d could happen at events like this.\u00a0 If we somehow found ourselves in such a situation, we needed to get ourselves out of there as soon as possible.\u00a0 If we needed a ride, call \u2013 have a quarter to use a pay phone, if that was the only safe or available option.\u00a0 To remain in that situation was to invite \u201cbad things\u201d to happen.\u00a0 \u201cBad things\u201d were understood to refer to sexual activity that was, at a minimum, unintended and definitely unwanted.<\/p>\n

Such things were known to happen in situations like that high school party Dr. Ford described.\u00a0 If things like this happened (and we know they did \u2013 this was not some 80s-era urban legend), then it also means some people had to be doing them \u2026 not that anyone would admit to it \u2013 not then \u2026 and certainly not now.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The teenaged Brent Kavanaugh certainly fits the general description of the kinds of guys who might do the \u201cbad things\u201d that happened at parties \u201clike that.\u201d\u00a0 Despite his claims otherwise, in the hodgepodge of drinking ages at that time, no state had 17 as the legal age.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t of legal age to drink anywhere.\u00a0 However, he was a school athlete \u2026 and then (just like now) underage consumption could have eligibility consequences as well as legal ones.\u00a0 But, it has also long been and still is the case that, for certain considerations, like athletic ability, player\u2019s position, how well the team had been doing \u2026 family social standing \u2026 household net worth (and the influence that comes with it) \u2026 for various reasons, exceptions could be made; behavior could be overlooked.\u00a0 That Judge Kavanaugh chose to invoke his various privileges (class, gender, race) as a defense against Dr. Ford\u2019s accusations is telling.<\/p>\n

But rather than get all spun up over what might have happened \u2026 why it should (or should not) still matter 30 years later, let\u2019s put things in context.\u00a0 Young Christine Blassey had been told a set of stories, given a general narrative to shape her conduct \u2013 what it means to be a good girl.\u00a0 Young Brent Kavanaugh had also been told a set of stories.\u00a0 But the narrative he was told was somewhat different.\u00a0 He was good-looking.\u00a0 He was an athlete.\u00a0 He and his family were fairly well off economically.\u00a0 Therefore, because of all this, he was desirable to the young women around him.\u00a0 And he just as he was entitled to their desire, he was also entitled to the fulfillment of his desires.\u00a0 Oh, he might have to \u201chelp\u201d a good girl get past her inhibitions, but that would be okay because she really wanted to be with him \u2026 to make him happy \u2026 to have him like her \u2026 to give him the sex he wanted.\u00a0 It was okay to push a little if he needed to get what he wanted.\u00a0 He deserved it.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>In this current #MeToo moment, this probably sounds like something from the dark ages.\u00a0 But such were the stories of those days.\u00a0 On TV, the ultimate romantic couple of the soap opera world was General Hospital<\/em>\u2019s Laura and Luke.\u00a0 Their relationship was regarded the height of romance; their wedding was a record-setting event in terms of viewership.\u00a0 But their relationship started when he raped her in his nightclub.\u00a0 Writers tried to soften it a bit with later flashbacks, but the undercurrent remained for those who saw that initial encounter.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Date rape was played for laughs, most notably as a sub-plot in the highly popular and successful coming-of-age movie Sixteen Candles<\/em>.\u00a0 Rather than protest what happed, the victim (the most popular girl in the school) assures the guy it was better than okay \u2026 and she likes him, even though he is a geeky\/nerdy type \u2026 and if she hadn\u2019t been set up like that, she would have never discovered this \u2026 so it\u2019s all okay.<\/p>\n

Like I said earlier, these were the stories we were told that shaped the narrative for how ordered our lives, made our choices, decided our actions, and understood the behavior of others.\u00a0 At that time, as a society, we were still puzzling over the concept of marital rape.\u00a0 (How could it be rape?\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t the marriage ceremony itself consent to sexual activity?<\/em>)\u00a0 Date rape was a very murky concept.\u00a0 Could a man be blamed if a woman led him on to some degree, gave mixed signals? (And how would we know she hadn\u2019t?<\/em>)\u00a0 These views and the stories shaped by them have since received well-deserved critiques and have been appropriately discarded or altered.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s how it is now \u2013 it\u2019s not how it was then.\u00a0 And when Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh were giving their testimony, they were talking about how things were then.\u00a0 We need to remember that.<\/p>\n

No doubt teenaged Brent Kavanaugh, like many of his similarly situated peers, was something of a jerk.\u00a0 With understandable reluctance, he did acknowledge consuming quite a bit of beer in his youth.\u00a0 Based on the notations from his yearbook and some other details that have come to light, he was likely a regular on the party scene and generally drank to excess.\u00a0 Alcohol lowers inhibitions \u2026 which has caused a number of people of all ages to be far more sexually forward, and even aggressive, than they are while sober.\u00a0 He\u2019d hardly be unique in this regard.\u00a0 And if we take as a given that, as Dr. Ford, recalled, he had been drinking heavily prior to their encounter at the part, then there\u2019s a very good likelihood he would not fully remember the events of that day.\u00a0 It also sounds like this was not a singular event.\u00a0 There were other similar occasions in which the young Kavanaugh, while under the influence of alcohol, behaved in various ways that can be categorized as sexually inappropriate.\u00a0 All of these things he\u2019s been accused of probably did happen.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>However, what does it matter now?\u00a0 That is the key question and the answer is: not much.\u00a0 What he probably did then doesn\u2019t matter so much now because it is also clear from the record that he has not done anything like this since his college years.\u00a0 With his various positions, Brent Kavanaugh has been subject to multiple FBI background investigations.\u00a0 If he were still in the habit of behaving inappropriately, his career never would have advanced this far.\u00a0 Someone would have said something somewhere along the line.<\/p>\n

Why did he stop?\u00a0 Well, most likely, because he grew up \u2013 just like most people do.\u00a0 He is not the same person today as he was in high school and even into college.\u00a0 It happens (most of the time, at least).\u00a0 I would have preferred to have heard his story of how that happened \u2026 Did something make him decide to quit the party scene, cut back on the drinking?\u00a0 Did he decide that just wasn\u2019t the sort of person he wanted to be, the way he wanted to be seen by others?\u00a0 Did he just outgrow it, as many of his peers did, without any clear prompt or impetus?\u00a0 I, for one, would have preferred the story of how he left off being a party boy and became a mature responsible adult to the highly defensive assertion of privilege that he actually offered at the hearing.<\/p>\n

But such honesty and transparency are not safe right now.\u00a0 That\u2019s the downside of our #MeToo moment.\u00a0 Any and all transgression of sexual boundaries by any man is treated as the moral equivalent of rape.\u00a0 That\u2019s not only unhelpful; it\u2019s inappropriate.\u00a0 If we are going to have a genuine public conversation about sexuality and boundaries and responsibility, we can\u2019t treat everything as all the same in every form.\u00a0 We have to be able to say what is, what happened, and why so that we can find our way to a better, more respectful, less sexist future.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>As #MeToo started trending on social media as women reported the various forms of sexual degradation, harassment, and assault they had experienced, men were feeling they all were being held guilty of the worst of these offenses \u2026 and some of them actually wanted to be allies with women in addressing these concerns \u2026 and so #NotAllMen developed.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s my take: #NotAllMen is not accurate.\u00a0 While it is true that not all men have committed the worst of the transgressions against women\u2019s boundaries, by the time he\u2019s 25 years old, every man has crossed some sexual boundary with some woman at some time.\u00a0 The transgressions may be minor: looking a little too long in the wrong place \u2026 pressing his interest in her (or in sex with her) a little past the point at which it became clear she did not share his interest \u2026 deliberate physical contact passed off as accidental \u2026 catcalling and wolf-whistling at women passing by \u2026 briefly following a woman because he likes the way she looks.\u00a0 Some are truly problematic \u2026 following a woman around a store or mall or public place (even if she doesn\u2019t notice) \u2026 grabbing women who are out by themselves (\u201cjust because\u201d) \u2026 other stalker behaviors \u2026 and pornography which treats women as objects for male sexual gratification rather than as human beings.\u00a0\"\"<\/a> Some are clearly criminal: various levels of sexual assault, including rape.\u00a0 All of these are problems.\u00a0 All of these are transgressions of women\u2019s boundaries and personhood. Just about every man has done at least one of these on at least one occasion.\u00a0 But to treat them all as rapists isn\u2019t helpful.\u00a0 Only rape is rape.\u00a0 Lesser violations certainly are not equivalent to rape, but they shouldn\u2019t be overlooked or dismissed either.<\/p>\n

#MeToo caught fire because all women have a story or experience of harassment to share.\u00a0 Not all our stories are the same, but they all count \u2026 they just don\u2019t all count in the same way.\u00a0 Likewise, not all men are the same in their violations of women\u2019s boundaries \u2013 and it is wrong to treat them all as though they were. If we demand that, for any man to have a role in public life, he must never have engaged in any transgressions of any woman\u2019s sexual boundaries, then no men would be allowed.\u00a0 Some may be okay with that (\u201cServes them right.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s about time.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cLet them be out of power for a few centuries and see how they like it.\u201d \u201cTurnabout is fair play.\u201d<\/em> Etc.).\u00a0 I\u2019m not okay with that; I don\u2019t think it\u2019s helpful.<\/p>\n

Melodramatic \u201cpearl clutching\u201d is equally useless. (\u201cI\u2019m so afraid for the men \u2026 my husband\/my son \u2026 any woman could accuse him of something he didn\u2019t do and completely destroy his career.\u201d<\/em>)\u00a0 However, if we\u2019re bound and determined to exile any man who\u2019s ever done anything a woman finds offensive, then it isn\u2019t safe for men to acknowledge what they\u2019ve done.\u00a0 Like I said, I would have preferred Brent Kavanaugh to acknowledge what he did (or even that although he did remember the specifics, concede it was quite possible he had done this) and then explain how he became a better, different person.\u00a0 But it isn\u2019t safe for him to do so. \u00a0One need only look to the multiple examples of men being drummed out of public life for acknowledging (or being unable to convincingly deny) any form of sexual transgressions against women.\u00a0 The fate of Senator Al Franken might be the closest comparison.<\/p>\n

Such absolutist positions are not helpful.\u00a0 We have to be able to talk \u2013 and to hear each other.\u00a0 To have the conversation, we need to make it safe for women to tell their stories \u2013 and we need it make it safe for men to take responsibility for their actions \u2026 and to change \u2026 and to grow and become better people.\u00a0 Dr. Christine Blassey Ford and all women need to be able to tell their stories and have them heard and considered.\u00a0 Brent Kavanaugh and all men need to be able to acknowledge what they have done, take responsibility for their actions, and demonstrate change.<\/p>\n

This is the only way things are really going to get better\u2026 the only way we\u2019re be able to put an end to these experiences for most people in our society \u2026 the only way it stops.\u00a0 At the end of the day, isn\u2019t that what we all really want?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Now that all the shouting is over, can we take a pause and take a collective breath? Can we reflect on what just happened and talk about it? I think Dr. Christine Blassey Ford told more of the truth than Judge Brent Kavanaugh. I also hope none of us is …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-770","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-events-topics","category-musings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/770","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=770"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/770\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":781,"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/770\/revisions\/781"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=770"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=770"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/maybegoosefeathers.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=770"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}